Friday, April 20, 2012

Without A Path

For the majority of my Pagan life I have considered myself pathless. I began like the majority of teenage seekers with Wicca. I dove wholeheartedly into the beliefs and practices with seemingly unending enthusiasm and dedication of devoting all of who I was into being the best darn Wiccan I could have been. I loved the 'balance' of deity, God and Goddess. For the first time I felt as though, as a female, I was being represented equally. I struggled with my connection with the Goddess aspect that Wicca had presented me with though, I never stopped feeling like I was trying to force myself into a tiny box with a 'Ship To Nearest Goddess' sticker slapped on the side. For years she would remain a faceless archetype to me.

My eventual withdrawal from Wicca was solely due to my beliefs moving in a different direction. I wont say that it was a simple process but I think I may have stayed there two years longer that I really should have, attached to the label of Wiccan rather than to Wicca itself. What would I be if I was not Wiccan? Simply referring to myself as a Pagan seemed like I would be stepping out into an abyss. There's too many Pagan paths! Where will I go? Who will I be? The sheer though of being out there in this huge void surrounded by so many possibilities was very overwhelming for me. I had it down in my head that the next decision I made had to be 'The One', you know the Path that I would faithfully and joyfully walk until the end of my days. What can I say, I was young - well younger than I am now at the very least. I look back on my 21 yr old self and I am perplexed about the amount of pressure I placed upon my shoulders. I see now how only a few short years can made such a difference not only in ones personality but in our level of spiritual maturity.

Because I had placed so much upon a label to define who I was going to be it led me to a four year period where I endured major spiritual confusion. At the time it felt like I had so many opportunities presented before me. A few months went by where I was leaving it up to 'fate', but me being me I became bored of just waiting around for something to fall in my lap so I went back to my roots and became a pro-active seeker! During this time I looked into many different paths such as Kemetisism, Asatru, Shinto and Buddhism, various Feminist spiritualities, Pantheism, Gaianism, various re-constructionist paths, Hedge Witchery, Hoodoo, Shamanism, and Witchcraft. Some I stayed with longer than others, never finding a perfect fit. I was trying to piece it together myself but I felt like I was never quite in sync. I was still searching for The One.

Around about a year ago, I came to a point where I just stopped searching so hard for a particular path altogether. It took a time for me to realise that "The One" never even existed.
I can be a bit slow sometimes. What was there however, was a young woman discovering herself! By throwing myself into so many different areas of study I had openen up myself to exploring, well myself! By jumping around so much I know know where I want my feet to land, so to say. I will not use the term eclectic to describe myself, but I did bring along with me small pockets of belief or practice that has combined into a very personal spiritual practice (see no path!). I spoke in an earlier post about how I feel that I am at a crossroads. At this very moment I am actually enjoying being pathless. I'm enjoying standing in the crossroads! OMG For me it has been a very liberating experience, especially during the last month or so. I'm an oddball I suppose. I have no desire to move anywhere anytime soon. What will be will be I suppose. Currently I share devotion between two 'Celtic' Deities, Gaia, though I am no longer solely dedicated to Gaianism, and Hekate, who is receiving most of my attention as of late. At the moment I would describe myself as a Pagan and a Witch. I still have the twinge every time I say that to add something extra to my 'label' but I know now it's unnecessary. I'm a student in a Shamanic Witchcraft course which I am absolutely enjoying!!! Who knows where I will be next month or in a year. Spirituality shouldn't be forced it should flow naturally. Lesson learnt! A little late but I got there eventually.